i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.