I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The Struggle
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
twitter is a journey
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.