I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Perfect
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”