The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS