I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.