I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

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I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.


INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off


Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay


Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?


Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.


Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.