I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
your honor my client chooses dare
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”