I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Tapped in
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.