Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

Happy Febuary everyone!

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.