I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
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You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious