I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
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Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.