Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”