I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My favorite farside!!
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”