I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter