I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
back to work
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”