I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
When you let grandma cat sit
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”