@Coastiefish

I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.

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@TheAlexP

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

@Parkerlawyer

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

@TheAmecha

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

@scorpicpanda

I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@SladeWentworth

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

@CrockettForReal

Me: that tattoo is ugly as hell.

Them: dude, my kid drew that.

Me: then they need to go back to tattoo school.

@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.