I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.

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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.


5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”


Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later


I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.


[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex


*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused


25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”


Me: that tattoo is ugly as hell.

Them: dude, my kid drew that.

Me: then they need to go back to tattoo school.


I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.