I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.