I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
There is no try. There is only give up.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start