Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.