Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.