I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
new record!
