Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day