I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
😜
Worst perfume name ever.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two