Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?