I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The three genders.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
wtf management?!
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about