I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.