I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.