I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow