I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!