Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

man i love columbo

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.