I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.