I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”