I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran