Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!