I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
WWE is French for “yes”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
man: wait
time: no
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them