Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.