I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.