Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers