I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
when dads have a rap battle
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.