Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
some things should go without saying
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
More like Kate Missington.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”