@ozzyunc

I was always a sucker for a pair of blue eyes and she had a whole jar.

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@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@_ElvishPresley_

Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

@Nairoboy

Relationship status: I’m seeing several women in my neighbourhood.

*wipes binoculars*