Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

The pen is writier than the sword.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.