I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
You Might Also Like
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Message from the dog groomers
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure