I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
the three branches of government
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling