I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.