I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them