I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
…żyje?
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman