I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”