I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit