I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN