Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

channeling her this year

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.