I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
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Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
A friend helps you before you need it
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.