I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
One venti cheeseburger please.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
