I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
this is what they would have looked like, though
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses