I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Spring cleaning checklist…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket