I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Van Gone
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that