Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!