Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭