Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft