Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.