Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

wait a minute….

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.