Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret