Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.