I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
You Might Also Like
you’re damn right i have
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers