I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
being a writer on Twitter:
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The news in a nutshell.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…