I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
me watching my own Instagram story
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.