Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Bruh

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.