Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.