I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
welp
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner