Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!