I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
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Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.