Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”