I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I thought this was funny lol
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.