I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
podcasts
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Its true…
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
