I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
A comic by Dan Piraro
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
