I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
