I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself