I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
