I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.