Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Broom by every window for quick escape.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

No. YOU-buprofen.